Innocence Lost
by iheartGibbs
Summary: Written in response to the NFA Operation McAbby challenge.  WARNING: Dark Story, Disturbing Imagery.  This story is 3 chapters and complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Innocence Lost**  
by iheartGibbs  
Written in response to the Operation McAbby Fanfiction Challenge (NFA)  
Story scenario #1  
Rating: M (R)  
Warnings: Dark story; disturbing imagery

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OPERATION MCABBY – ORIGINAL CHALLENGE  
"story 1"  
what if Abby had a past that nobody knows of. she had a daughter, but died in a hit and run. Abby thought she was over it, but deep down she isn't.

Conditions/Restrictions:  
pairing: Abby/McGee + any other pairing you want.  
preferring a angsty/dark fic, can be set in any season

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Chapter 1

_It was dark, which I like; but it was also cold, which can be nice, but not this kind of cold. This was the kind of cold that seeps deep into your bones and makes you feel like you are being physically changed by the extreme conditions to which you are being exposed. The tears on my cheeks were instantly crystallizing into small, diamond-like ice fragments that caught the moonlight and transformed it into little bursts of color. There were always times when things were taken too far. There was cold; and then there was bitterness. There was dark; and then there was darkness._

_He looked deeply into my eyes, his promising I was the most amazing sight on which he had ever the pleasure to gaze. I tried again, fruitlessly, to stop the tears from falling. The fear I felt was shadowed only by my helplessness, trapped in his embrace. The madness in his expression served only to freak me out even further. I had exhausted every avenue I could imagine to escape him; he was simply too strong, too determined, too smart. It was all I could do to keep the fear and utter revulsion from showing on my face. I knew that would only hurry things along. If I were going to get out of this, I needed time._

_I steeled myself for what was certain to happen next, my mind never ceasing to desperately search for a way out. I had learned over the past few hours that I couldn't surprise or overpower him. I couldn't beat him. It was something my mind had never yet encountered. And it scared me more than anything I had ever experienced up to that point in my life._

_I shivered, again shocked by the bitterness of the cold air. I could see in his dark, obsessed eyes that he mistook my involuntary movement for fear. And he liked it._

_In my thirteen years of life, I had experienced many things. Lots more than my classmates. I winced internally at the memory of how I had flaunted some of those experiences. What I wouldn't give now to have that youthful naïveté I so often scorned in my acquaintances. What I wouldn't give to go back to the time when I, myself, cherished my innocence._

_I've often joked that innocence lost is experience gained. But some experiences aren't "gains" at all. Some experiences encompass losses so great our mortal minds cannot fathom their depths._

_I was so frozen that I almost didn't feel his hands as he violated me. But what I couldn't physically feel, my imagination provided. When the time came and I realized no one was going to save me, I began to struggle against him. I kicked. I jabbed. I bit. I broke his nose with a sharp head butt to the face. Frantic, I screamed as I fought to get away from him. The harder I struggled, the more interested he became. I knew even then that his taunts would forever haunt my nightmares._

_Cast aside, I lay on the cold ground. I was useless to him now. I lay, bruised and battered, sobbing. "Mommy," my shaky voice said again and again. I had wanted her to find me. I could never tell her. She would never believe. Not him. Never._

"Abby! Wake up," Agent Timothy McGee said, rushing toward the futon where his coworker had been sleeping on the floor of the forensics lab that she often called home. "Abby, please!" he begged, tentatively touching her harm to awaken her.

Instantly his hand was captured in her firm grasp as she let out a blood-curdling scream. He attempted to step away from her, but was unable to gain freedom from her vice grip on his wrist. His hasty retreat, impeded by his caught wrist, caused him to lose his balance. Tim's eyes widened as he realized he was about to fall, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Violently shaking away the cobwebs of the recurring nightmare she most abhorred, Abby opened her eyes to find a large form fast descending upon her. The scream she had involuntary emitted while still sleeping was nothing next to the one that soon followed.

"I'm sorry," he half-spoke, half-shouted, as she used her grip on his arm to help guide him to the space next to her. It nearly worked. His knee struck her calf and his elbow landed hard in her gut as he scrambled to move away from her. "I'm so sorry," he continued, his face bright red in embarrassment.

The absurdity of the situation struck Abby almost as hard as McGee just had, and she burst into laughter. With the glow of the florescent lights in the lab, she banished her demons, once again, to the far corners of her mind and focused on the present.

McGee pulled himself into a seated position next to her, bowed his head in embarrassment and began to apologize for the fourth or fifth time. "You were having a nightmare," he explained. "I was only trying to wake you up."

"I appreciate it," she said sincerely.

McGee noticed the shadow that crossed her bright features when he mentioned her nightmare. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"What are you, my shrink," Abby joked.

"No, but I am your friend." The look he gave her said he believed he was, but wasn't entirely certain.

"Of course you are." She moved from her seat across from him to sit directly beside him. She leaned in to him, grabbed his arm and wrapped it around her. She signed deeply as she rested her head on his shoulder. "Perfect."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

All thoughts of the case they were here so late working on left both their minds as they sat in companionable silence. At least for a time.

Late night became early morning as Timothy McGee sat, once again, having no idea what he should do next. He had been sitting on Abby's futon, holding her close to his side, for at least forty minutes now. Neither had spoken. He had felt over the passing of time the tension in her shoulders begin to ease, and her breathing become more relaxed. He wondered if maybe this was all she would ever need from him. The thought saddened him, but gave him encouragement nonetheless. At least this was something he could give her.

Sensing his apprehension, Abby finally broke the silence. "Sometimes I think I could really love you, Tim."

He forced himself to breathe. He knew she didn't mean it. Not really. Not like he did. "Like a puppy, I know," came his soft reply.

Abby shifted out of his arms and plopped down Indian-style on the futon, this time facing him. "Tim, look at me," she said as he raised his eyes to meet hers. "I am so sorry. Throughout the course of our friendship, I have taken advantage of you. I knew your feelings for me and that I didn't reciprocate, but I continued to hold on to you for my own selfish purposes even though I knew I didn't want you forever. I want you to know I'm not proud of myself for it."

Tim smiled halfway, his eyes gleaming mischievously, "If that's your idea of taking advantage of me, I have no problem with it. I knew what you were about from the beginning. You never led me to believe otherwise. I've not exactly been faithful to you and pining after you."

"True. And just because I don't want the fairy tale, doesn't mean I don't have feelings or get jealous, McGee."

He smiled; a full one this time. "But I do love you, Abby." The sincerity in his voice touched her deeply.

Abby shook her head, and forced away the tears that were threatening to show themselves. "No you don't."

"Yes, I do. I love you. I will always love you. You are more than my best friend. You are…"

"Tim, shut up! Just be quiet! You don't know what you're talking about," Abby said as she rose to her feet and began to pace around the lab. Her arms automatically reached for Bert and she pulled him tightly to her, filling the lab with the sound of his special song.

Tim watched her pace and wondered for the hundredth time what was truly bothering her. He remained silent, refusing to withdraw his words. Because he had meant them. Truly and completely.

She spun to face him, the unwanted tears now betraying her and spilling from her eyes. "I believe that you think you love me. But the truth is, you don't know me. Not really. No one does," she said softly.

"I'd like to," he answered simply. "Please? Can you let me in?"

His request was simple and to the point. And she knew he was sincere. Since her time at NCIS, she had never shared anything about her traumatic past to her coworkers. Gibbs knew. When you share a certain kind of pain and loss, you know it. They had a bond she didn't share with the others. But he knew no details and she had never spoken of it with him. Now for the first time she really wanted to tell her story. She felt compelled to bring this man who had been her dearest friend into her confidence. But she was frightened.

"Timmy," she said hesitantly, her voice barely audible, "I want to. But I'm afraid." Tears were now flowing down her cheeks, each one hurting him as he wanted to see her happy and never sad.

"I will never hurt you, Abby."

"I know," she answered with confidence. "I'm afraid of what you'll think of me if I tell you. I'm afraid you'll feel the need to share the information with someone else. Because my story is not a pleasant one and it's a difficult secret to live with. I'm afraid you'll want to talk with me about it later, and I am not prepared to do that. I'm afraid you'll regret ever being with me. I'm afraid…"

Having risen to stand behind her while she was talking, he gently pulled her into his arms as he interrupted her litany of fears. "There is nothing you could tell me that could change how I feel for you. There is definitely nothing that will make me regret having been with you."

Abby chuckled. Tim was nothing if not consistent. That was part of what drew her so strongly to him. He was exactly the kind of man she had come to know she could count on and not fear. He was the kind of man who, though selfish in many ways, would never intentionally harm her. She squeezed him tightly, relishing the feel of his strong arms supporting her, and then pulled away from his embrace.

"Come with me," she said.

Tim took her outreached hand and she led him from the lab. Abby sighed and wondered if she were making the right decision. She certainly hoped so.

---

She led him to a secluded corner of a rarely-used stairwell. She sat on the nearest step and pulled him down beside her. She faced forward, not looking at him. She took a deep breath, preparing herself for the inevitable. She knew she could still change her mind. No one was forcing her to take this step. But she had willed it to be, and so it would.

Tim forced himself to keep his mind focused on Abby and his mouth shut. He knew from her expression that this was going to be difficult for her to say, and probably difficult for him to hear. He began to wonder if he should have left well enough alone. Perhaps he was better off not knowing Abby's deepest secrets. But when presented the opportunity, he knew he would never turn away a chance to understand her better; this woman who was a walking contradiction and had so completely captured first his interest and then his heart.

---

"You know I grew up in Louisiana. I have a brother. My parents are deaf. That's all true. My mom's family is from northern Minnesota. Because of the bitter winters they are notorious for, we always visited in the summer. Except for one year. One year, when I was thirteen, we went to visit for the Christmas holidays. There was a huge storm and we were there until after the New Year. Her family is large. I have so many cousins, all of which I wanted to know better. But I didn't get to hang out with the other kids. Like so many children of deaf adults, I got to hang with them and interpret for Mom and Dad."

"Most of the time I didn't mind. I love my parents. And besides, it was fun being privy to information the other kids didn't have. Of course, I grew up pretty fast as a result. After a little time and a few drinks, they forget there's a kid in the room. You wouldn't believe some of the things they would talk about. Anyhow, I digress."

"One evening, two nights before Christmas, I was particularly resentful of the task I had been given. All the other kids were playing a game and I wanted to play so badly. But some of my Mom's childhood friends had come over for the evening and wanted to reminisce of times long past. So I pouted and sulked and eventually resigned myself to my fate. One of my Mom's dearest childhood friend's was Jeff. Jeff had a look about him that I didn't like, and I spent the entire evening trying NOT to look at him. But it was so difficult. Every time I looked he was staring at me."

"The next day several of us were supposed to do some last-minute shopping at the mall. I know – the mall on Christmas Eve is never a good idea. My mom had told me I couldn't go, and then relented at the last minute. I rushed outside only to find they had just pulled out of the driveway. I was heartbroken. Jeff was there, and offered to drive me to the mall. I didn't want to go with him. I didn't trust him. I was young, but didn't consider myself stupid. But at the same time, it was early evening and we were right in front of my Grandmother's house."

Tim set his jaw to keep from speaking as he tried unsuccessfully to his breathing even and his heart from racing as she continued her story. Tears of his own went unnoticed as Abby told of what Jeff had done to her right under the nose of her family, and of how she had never given away the identity of her attacker. He was filled with righteous indignation and wanted more than anything to hunt the man down and kill himself.

Just as he was about to give her a comforting hug, he realized she wasn't finished. Surely this incredible woman hadn't had to overcome more than the terrible story he had just heard. He wanted to tell her to stop. He didn't think he could hear the whole story. He didn't want to know. No, it didn't make him care less for her. If anything, it made him treasure who she had become in spite of circumstances that much more. He almost broke listening to her convey the events. He couldn't imagine her having had to actually experience them, especially at such a tender age.

But this was Abby's story and he was her friend. He would listen. He had to.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Abby let her eyes slide closed and turned slowly to face Tim. She took a deep breath, and then opened her eyes to meet his. She was sure of what she would find. Pity at the least; revulsion at the worst. Tears sprang, again, to her already red eyes. What she saw in his eyes was not at all what she expected. She wasn't sure what label to put on what he was feeling.

"Thank you," she said softly, smiling through her tears.

McGee looked confused. "I didn't do anything. All I…"

"No," she said, brushing his hair back from his forehead, "you did everything." She paused for a moment and gave him a smile that he would do anything to see every day for the rest of his life. "What I was most afraid of was that the look in your eyes would change. That you would feel sorry for me or look at me and only see what he did…"

"Never," Tim interrupted. "Abby, I'm sorry you had to go through that but I could never pity you. You are so strong. You have become an amazing woman in spite of this. If anything, I love and respect you even more. I'm so proud of you and…"

"Tim, stop," Abby broke in, not wanting to hear any more. "I know I was the victim and this wasn't my fault. Years of therapy saw to that," she scoffed.

"I thought you didn't tell your mom?"

"Oh, I told her about the rape. I didn't have a choice. I just didn't tell her who did it." Abby's face took on a distant expression once again as she slipped back into storytelling mode. "I didn't have a choice because I was pregnant."

She paused a moment to collect her thoughts and memories. "Getting over the rape was not easy. It took a while for me to separate what happened from intimacy with any man. It took a while for me to learn to trust again. Mercy changed everything. That's what I named her. Mercy. Because God took this terrible thing that happened to me and gave me the greatest gift out of it – one I certainly didn't deserve."

Although she had turned back to face forward, Tim continued to watch Abby as she told her story. He wanted so desperately to take all her pain from her. But he knew that even if he could, she wouldn't want that.

"When we first returned to Louisiana, I was really depressed. I started wearing black and withdrawing from my friends. By the time I realized I was pregnant, the spring semester was almost done. Since I wasn't showing until after school let out for the summer, none of my friends knew I was pregnant. Mercy was born three weeks early. I only missed the first few weeks of ninth grade. Everyone thought I had mono."

"Mercy healed me. She was bright and beautiful – the happiest baby I had ever seen. I got my zest for life back. I suddenly had a reason to wake up in the morning. Although most people assumed she was my little sister, she was with me almost constantly after school."

"She was four when I took her with me to college. By this time the rape was a part of my past that I rarely dwelt on. I had a lot of friends and a very active social life, even with Mercy there. And then I met Matt. At the time I thought he was the perfect man: hot, smart and funny and he adored Mercy. He wanted to marry me, and I wanted it just as much. I was sure that this family was my reward for what I went through. We were together for nearly two years."

Tim swallowed hard at her expression when she spoke of the man she had loved so much. He had always hoped the reason Abby didn't want to be with him was because she didn't want that from anyone, but clearly it wasn't that. He pushed his doubts and crushed hopes aside as he listened to her speak, as if suddenly remembering that he was here for her. This was her time.

"One Spring I was running some errands and Matt was at my apartment with Mercy. My car broke down, so they came to get me. I can still remember him teasing her – making a game out of it so she wouldn't worry about me. They never made it," she said nearly inaudibly, as her nearly constant tears made another appearance.

"They were stopped at an intersection when they were struck by another driver at full speed. Their car was knocked across four lanes of traffic, and was struck by at least three other vehicles. By the time emergency services arrived, they were both gone. The driver responsible didn't even stop. He didn't even care enough to stop."

"I didn't know what was keeping them. I couldn't get an answer on his cell phone. I started pacing – I just knew something was wrong. And then someone called for me – they were showing the accident on the news. They didn't identify them, but I recognized the vehicle."

Tim ignored her wish for him to remain distant and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her to him. She buried her face in his shoulder and cried. She cried for her lost youth. She cried for her lost love. But mostly, she cried for her lost child.

"Mercy was seven," she sobbed. "Seven years old. That's all. She was so smart. All of her teachers praised her creativity and charm. And her vocabulary! She was my little perfect genius princess and I was so proud of her. And she was gone. No goodbye. No last hug and kiss. No more 'I love you SOOO much, Mommy'. No more tickles or giggles or water all over the bathroom floor. No more having to make room in my bed at night when she was scared. No more getting to comfort her when someone was mean to her at school, or confronting the monsters in her closet and under her bed. Nothing. Emptiness. No more… No more Mercy."

Tim held her in silence until her sobs abated to mere tears again. He brushed them away from her face. She looked deeply into his eyes and willed him to understand.

"I had to be institutionalized for a few weeks following the accident. I saw a therapist regularly for four years. I went a little wilder, socially, and found it suited me. It suited the Abby I wanted – no, needed – to become to survive."

She continued to look into his eyes as she took his hands in hers. "I am not sure of many things anymore, Tim. But one thing I know beyond the shadow of a doubt. I don't want to live my life without you or Gibbs or Tony or Ducky. You have become my family, and I am scared every day that something will take you away from me."

Tim took another deep breath before responding. "I love you, Abby. You know that. I understand you so much better now. Thanks for explaining. But I just have one question. But I don't want to make you mad."

Abby smiled at the hesitancy and insecurity in his voice. "I'll give you one free pass. I won't get made no matter what you ask. You've earned it," she said, giving him a playful pat on his leg. She left her hand there leaned back in toward him.

Tim smiled. This would be easier if he wasn't looking her in the face anyway. "Umm… why would a long-term commitment to someone you already admit to needing in your life be any different? I mean… I understand your hesitancy to trust. I understand your fear of loss. But if you have already admitted to yourself that losing me would be more than you could stand, what is keeping you from committing?" He took a deep breath and held it. 'Here goes nothing,' he thought to himself as he expected her to explain that her reasoning wasn't based on fear; she simply didn't love him enough to want to be with him that way.

Abby sighed. "You make a good point, McGee," she said patting him on the leg and rising to her feet.

"Umm… er… are you going to answer the question?"

"I never said I'd answer the question, only that I wouldn't get mad," she said perkily. "Let's get back to work."

"Abby," he grabbed her hand.

She turned back to look at him.

"Thanks."

She smiled and winked, "Thank you, Tim. I really needed that."

They walked back to the lab, once again in companionable silence.


End file.
